by Dave Norris
The passage of the Kandahar Express, with steam which trailed as if it was freshly combed upon leaving the engine’s funnel from which it was spat, ploughed through the sparse but fertile, tea-bushed countryside of the Kashmir valley. Upon the busy train, Sister Bernadette, a novice nun, attired in a habit of a wimple and grey smock, heard faintly the squawk of the pelicans in the sun-rippled lake and the noise of fishing boats that brought in their catch of Karimeen; these were heard above the chugging of the train through India’s northern most territories as it roamed around the lakes that occupied the valley troughs at the base of the Himalayas. A metallic scraping was heard as the train drew to a halt; a sound the sister was familiar with as the final stop, Srinagar, approached. She looked forward to alighting.
Waiting at the station platform to greet her was Seamus, a young volunteer missionary. He was handsome with a fresh-face, dark hair and moustache and had strong facial features. He could see the red carriage doors opening on the approaching train from eager passengers ready to clamber down to the stone-slabbed platform. The steam billowed alongside this and, as it dispersed, a young lady in a light-coloured habit, holding a grey carpet bag, appeared.
“Sister Bernadette?”
Asked Seamus with eyebrows raised, to which she responded with a nod and a gentle smile.
“Seamus, I presume,” was her further response, “thank you for meeting me here, and for your taking me to the mission.”
The heat was surprisingly manageable and the smell of freshly caught fish and rice sacks on the back of the utility vehicle in which they travelled to the mission was comforting.
“You must be tired from your journey. I understand you are from England,” enquired Seamus as he navigated the bumpy road.
“Yes, that’s right. I came to help with the mission. My Order requires a time for missionary work before final ordination. But I also want to teach, and this is my opportunity to do worthwhile work.”
The village of Kobli approached and upon arrival Sister Bernadette helped to unload the culinary cargo and then Seamus showed her around the mission. A small chapel was the main building at the centre of the plot, with a range of dwellings on the rear side seeming to act as sleeping quarters for the small number of members of the team.
The chapel, in addition to being a place of worship, was also used for teaching the many Indian Christians who lived in the general locality. The sister was assigned to a hut in which a basin and jug was positioned on a stand for her to wash, and a plain cross adorned the wall behind a small bed around which was netting to protect her from the threat of Mosquitoes. After such a long journey, the sister wisely decided to retire so that she could be refreshed for the next day’s tasks.
The Indian Christians journeyed to the mission to take their lessons from the missionaries. Sister Bernadette came to teach English and arithmetic. She wasted no time, the next day, in setting her class to task. As she approached the chapel, passing by, she glanced sideways to a hut at which Seamus washed himself in the open air with his hair-covered chest and muscular arms revealed. He glanced briefly in her direction, and she seemed to blush and averted her gaze. It was not unusual for Seamus to have shaved and washed outside and he hoped it hadn’t upset Sister Bernadette.
On her way to the chapel, she tried to shake off what she had just witnessed. Never had she seen the upper torso of a man so blatantly visible, and she wasn’t sure how to react. It revealed to her, as she remembered blushing, that she felt somewhat uncomfortable and yet had some feeling of attraction for the man. Even on seeing him for the first time at Srinagar train station she seemed to have an immediate feeling of joy in his presence. This could not be, however, as she had dedicated her life to God, and nothing should distract her from his calling.
After class, she went directly to her dwelling where she pondered on her dilemma. The feelings she has experienced in the last day or so were in stark contrast to those previously felt. Her thoughts were drawn to her youth in late 1940’s Yorkshire where she lived frugally in a two-up, two-down terraced house. The passing of her father, whom she adored, meant that she was left to care solely for her mother as there were no other siblings to survive the War. The loneliness she felt was palpable, the despair of losing her father to cancer after caring for his needs was devastating. Never more than at that time had she felt as a billowing cloud which drifted aimlessly through the heavens, and it was this that led her to God. Such loneliness of her childhood persisted into, and during, the required acceptance into the local Abbey. Her devout dedication to serving her Lord was a solemn vow comparable to marriage which was her intention prior to the calling to her mission in India.
Now in her sparse hut, she felt her Lord had tested her. Her loneliness in former years had led to her inexperience regarding men. Now the desires awoken in her felt somehow sinful, although the Lord would surely forgive her for such desires. Not a friend or soul amongst her could provide advice; such was the loneliness she felt.
A decision must be made; however, she could not make this overnight. A period of seclusion to contemplate her future was in order and the agonising choice for her was one of two: To continue the current path to full ordination; or, to open her eyes to a different, alternative type of love, which may complement her love of God.
She prayed for forgiveness, though there was nothing to forgive. She prayed for guidance, though she had guided herself. She prayed for a resolution to her inner turmoil, and on the last day of her seclusion she felt ready to go out into the light of day.
Dispensing with her wimple, she decided to wear clothing in keeping with the weather – a simple smock of light blue. She combed her lustrous auburn hair which had been hidden for so long, and applied a little lipstick much like her mother would have used. For too long had she considered empathically the plight of others; now, she was on the cusp of beginning to like, and even love, herself for who she was; a pure, gentle, articulate woman.
Without nerves, she ventured out of her dwelling and into the daylight and gazed at the multitude of people who had concern for her. Whilst most would not know the agony she had gone through to reach this stage, there was one, Seamus, who looked on from close by with tear-filled eyes of admiration. He knew from her numerous days of seclusion, the thoughts and feelings she must have experienced. Now, she had made her decision to stay at the mission and fulfil her obligations with the hope that, in addition, she could explore her newfound emotions perhaps with those with whom she had taken a shine.
She contemplated that there are many types of love for oneself, being paramount she hoped that love would conquer all.